Receive our Newsletter and Updates

Learn about upcoming events and read our staff members' blog posts!
Email address
Secure and Spam free...

What’s the Payoff?

By Amy Goldbeck, LPC, R-DMT, CH

Sometimes there’s a secret benefit to our struggles, also known as a secondary gain.  Uncovering the subconscious reason why you stay stuck or self-sabotage could be the exact block you’ve been looking to remove.  So think about your struggle or stuck area, and ask yourself:

  • What do I get out of it?
  • What do I get to avoid?
  • What are aspects about this situation or feeling I like?
  • What would I miss if I didn’t have this struggle?
  • What behavior do I justify because of this struggle?
  • What image or belief do I get to keep intact?
  • What do I get to prove or be “right” about, in this position?
  • What feelings do I get to dodge or cling onto?

Maybe you have a grudge and by nursing this grudge you get to feel entitled to be rude or selfish, to blame others, or to avoid taking responsibility.  Maybe it gives you some sort of satisfying power.

Or, maybe you are in an unhealthy relationship. And by staying, you get to keep your reputation intact and have financial security.  Maybe you identify yourself as saintly and think you are admirable. Maybe the victim role brings you pity and attention.

Or, maybe your payoff is the immediate gratification that comes with your unwanted behavior.  You may also get to avoid being thoughtful towards others, or exercise revenge. Or maybe you get to punish yourself in an effort to soothe any guilt.  Over and over again.

What happens, though, is that you become imprisoned by your low self-esteem that you fail to recognize or properly address.  You, and sometimes others, become hostage to your stuck-ness. You become trapped in your fear and stubbornness. And the negative thoughts that keep you there only attract more negativity.  In fact, you then get another payoffyour line of thinking is right. “See? Good things never happen to me. Good things never last, so why invest?!” You get to stay right. Forever right and miserable!

What’s more important?  Your need to be rightwhich leaves you stuck and unhappy…  Or, the willingness to be wrong, to open up to possibilities and to flow towards happiness?

Invite yourself to be guided.

Invite yourself to feel.
To move.
To open up.
To see.
To connect.
To show up.
To grow out of your limits and beyond.

Receive our Newsletter and Updates

Learn about upcoming events and read our staff members' blog posts!
Email address